Want more action? Don’t do these things.
Congratulations. You’ve got to that date. It’s the one where, instead of the dinner, concert or movie ending with a kiss on the cheek, there’s an invitation back to her place for a drink (or an acceptance of yours). There’s no surefire formula for what happens next, but there are some obvious sex mistakes that will ensure she doesn’t want to see you ever again. So, if you like this girl, or at the very least playing Mr Wobbly Hides His Helmet with this girl, crack open a bottle (not a box) of wine, sit back and don’t do these things. Oh, and don’t ever let her hear you actually say “Mr Wobbly Hides His Helmet”.
Getting too intimate
When it comes to verbal seduction, less is more. You might think it’s what she wants to hear, but letting the conversation turn lovey-dovey the first time you coax her back to your place gets awkward, fast. Don’t overdo the compliments — “You’re really lovely” will do. Resist the urge to discuss your future together even if you’ve already imagined buying matching mountain bikes. Be strong and silent.
Gently does it
Once you’ve shut up long enough to get below her clothes, be mindful of the delicate nature of her anatomy. If you’re rough and insensitive with her love zones she’ll probably think you’re drunk, a buffoon, or both. Tugging or mashing breasts will feel the same as contact with your penis right after orgasm: downright painful. Start with a gentle touch, and she’ll push against you to indicate she wants more.
Refusing to kiss after oral
When a woman has just performed a certain, erm, service for you, refusal of any forthcoming affection can be insulting. So if you see a kiss headed your way, suck it up. Contorting your face will only make a woman feel cheap. If you can’t stomach the thought of a post-fellatio tongue dance, kiss her neck, shoulders, face, etc, until such time has passed that any offending you-goo has dissolved.
Failing to reciprocate
This rule’s a little fast and loose. On the one hand, many women feel self-conscious about a guy getting that intimate before they’ve really gotten to know them, so don’t be surprised if she declines. On the other hand, neglecting to even attempt to return her favour makes you look selfish. So even if she shuts you down, she’ll make a mental note that you’re at least willing to appear generous.
You might feel hesitant to kill the mood by pulling out a condom, but going without not only puts you at risk for STDs (not to mention fatherhood), but it also appears disrespectful. If you’re fine being reckless with yourself, that’s your business, but there’s a second party here, and a gentleman who wants to get laid puts the lady first. If she insists you don’t wear one, pull out. It’s a sign of clingy behaviour.
Getting too smutty
It is quite possible that once you get past the dangerous and difficult first month of dating you’ll both discover that you’re into watersports and live freakishly ever after, but right now isn’t the time to explore your kinky or deviant side. Keep the slapping and hair-pulling at bay and zip the potty mouth. And, it should go without saying, restrict the field of play to the front door, OK?
Putting all your focus on her bits
Most blokes zero in on the obvious erotic zones because that’s what animal instinct tells us to do. But the more evolved sexual performer will be aware there are many more areas a woman can be turned on in. Try kissing her on the nape of the neck, caressing her thighs or running your fingers across her stomach. A nibble on the earlobes will send her crazy with lust — as long as you don’t start going the chew.
Stopping and starting
A guy’s sex urge can be turned off, and most importantly, on, almost at will, but a woman needs a seamless progression as she steams towards the earth-shattering orgasm your excellent seduction skills are about to deliver. That means no stopping to check the footy scores, answer phones or talk about your dog’s bowel op. The moment will be spoiled and she will go cold on you — quite possibly forever.
Stressing about your performance
There are several things that can go wrong the first time you’re in bed with a new partner, and most consenting adults understand that. There’s a lot to feel out about another person before reaching the right comfort level and sexual rhythm. Any awkward post-sex vibes that you project will make her uneasy as well, so you’re better off relaxing and basking in the glow, bro.
Forgetting “cuddle time”
Whoa! But what if you need to take a leak or the sandman is beating you over the head? Before you go bouncing out of bed to use the bathroom or start snoring like a camel, partake in some non-sexual physical interaction. Hugs and cuddles say you appreciate her and more. That said, never thank a woman for sex. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen — she’ll think you’re desperate if you do.